Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.
In which Holly’s friend gets chatfished…
“He seemed great! Then, I meet him in person, and he can’t string a sentence together.”
On their much-awaited first date, the seemingly articulate man that my friend Jenny had been chatting to for five weeks responded to her questions in a series of monosyllabic grunts and asked her no questions in return.
When she pressed him on his sudden lack of communication skills, he admitted to her that he’d found online dating uncomfortable, so he’d used a “rizz” app for every one of their online conversations.
Chatfishing is a trend whereby a digital suitor matches with someone, then, rather than carrying out a conversation themselves, uses an app to generate pleasing replies and engaging questions via online messaging.
Jenny felt violated. Here she was trying to form an honest connection… and there he was, taking screenshots without her permission and feeding them into an app to formulate his replies.
She excused herself on the pretence of going to the bathroom and bolted from the date, then blocked him.
She felt foolish, but Jenny is no fool. She’s a very smart woman who was just trying to find someone nice to spend time with.
She uses ChatGPT all the time herself – albeit not for dating – and wondered if she’d grown all too used to its lukewarm, validating tone… had she become desensitised, and therefore lazy about protecting herself?
Reader, while it’s always prudent to be careful online, I don’t think Jenny ought to blame herself for this one.
Nor can we blame the dating apps themselves. Should they be actively designing and innovating with the safety of their users top of mind? Of course.
Is it disturbing that Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Grindr and Feeld all currently allow screenshots to be taken of your online chats without notifying you? Heck, yeah. But is it their fault?
Reader, I think the fault lies – to some degree – with the designers of the “rizz” apps, but ultimately, it lies with the person choosing to use them.
Dating can be hard. Showing up as ourselves, imperfect and in good faith, is hard.
But aren’t most worthwhile things hard? Jenny’s suitor may have felt some pressure to be charming, or thought he was taking an easy path to intimacy, but what then?
Perhaps, Reader, you’ve heard the phrase “play the tape forward”.
This means looking at an action or decision, not just in the moment, but into the future.
It means considering whether an action serves us in the short, medium and long term.
That might mean considering the hangover that follows the drink, or the sense of violation and betrayal that someone could feel if we misrepresent ourselves.
Either way, I think we each have a responsibility to choose to do hard things with intention and integrity.
I wonder whether, in a world built for comfort and convenience, that sense of responsibility might just be the sexiest and most charismatic trait of all.
Email holly@times.co.nz
Yours in love,
Holly
