Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.
In which Geoffrey goes cuddling.
Reader, I must confess something to you. I’m an oxytocin addict.
Oxytocin isn’t actually a drug. It’s a hormone that our bodies release into the bloodstream.
The primary purpose of oxytocin is to enable childbirth, helping the movement of milk to the nipples for breastfeeding and stimulating the muscles of the uterus.
It also promotes bonding between mother and child, and from that moment onwards we humans are wired for hugs.
Because oxytocin is triggered by touch it’s known as the “love hormone”.
You don’t need to be wildly in love with the person you’re hugging. The touch just needs to be consensual and connective.
Our bodies respond in a powerful way. We get that warm, fuzzy feeling of connection, and our ability to bond and trust is enhanced… no small win in a world where, according to a recent WHO report, loneliness and social isolation contribute to more than 870,000 deaths a year.
Impressive physical benefits also happen when we hug. Our resilience to stress and pain, capacity for quality sleep, and even our immunity can be boosted by oxytocin.
So, Reader, doesn’t it make sense to seek as many hugs as possible?
Psychotherapist Virginia Satir theorised that we need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance and 12 for growth.
The length of a hug also matters. During a seven-second hug, the release of oxytocin is possible. During a 20-second hug, it’s almost guaranteed.
For some of us, those numbers are hard to hit. We may live alone, in partnerships where touch is lacking, or in cultures where touch is taboo.
One Sex And The Suburbs reader has been proactive in his search for hugs.
He recently attended what’s known as a “cuddle puddle”, a platonic gathering where a group can explore physical intimacy in a safe, welcoming environment, often hosted by an intimacy coach/therapist or professional cuddler.
Geoffrey (name changed) kindly shared his experience, as follows:
“We received great guidance from our host and her assistant. Brief intro, explanation of the rules.
“The dynamics of safety, boundaries, expectations and freedom were clearly defined.
“Our hosts elaborated by demonstrating some role-playing exercises. After we observed them, we got to take turns with a three-minute practice, so 12 minutes all up.
“I really appreciated this as it was reassuring, and they answered my questions.
“Then we had 20 minutes to interact with the others. I felt uplifted and satisfied after I left.
“Overall, this was the best cuddling experience I’ve had so far. There’s no obligation to participate if you don’t want to and you can leave at any time.”
Hugs are the gold standard, but some studies have found that other activities can boost oxytocin, too.
So, if one wants to experience the well-being benefits, but is too shy for a cuddle puddle, what are the other options?
Exercise is a good one, in particular, martial arts and partnered dance. Another is group singing, so joining a choir might be worth considering.
Can’t sing? A metalhead mate of mine swears he gets his oxytocin highs from taking part in mosh pits.
If that’s not quite your scene, try a long self-hug with slow, deep breaths. Yes, Reader, as woo-woo as it sounds, researchers have found that self-hugging works, too.
The hugs don’t need to be human, either, so cuddles with your fur-baby do count.
It’s all about finding what works for you.
Email holly@times.co.nz.
Yours in love,
Holly
