LEAVING a destructive relationship takes courage and determination, but often the cruelty doesn’t stop when the victim makes their move.
Those on the receiving end of violent and emotional abuse often think their situation is not too bad and things will get better if they stop upsetting the perpetrator.
Howick mother Emma (name changed) endured an abusive relationship for nearly a decade before she found the strength to escape her abusive partner.
She moved halfway across the world and life improved until he contacted her, turned on his charm and again dominated Emma’s life.
When she met him in the 1990s, she thought he was wonderful.
“He convinced me to get pregnant,” Emma says. “Once he got me in a position he wanted, the relationship changed. It was horrific and became something that was really controlling and abusive.”
Emma hoped things would change when they moved overseas with their child.
Her partner withheld their passports and became increasingly abusive, threatening Emma physically and emotionally. She feared that if she left him she would lose custody of her child.
“He started picking on our child as well, psychologically abusing and frightening the child. I felt horrible and frightened.”
The stress caused Emma to become so ill that she was admitted to hospital.
“I didn’t enjoy my relationship with him but I thought it will be fine and I just carried on.
“We would have blow-ups but I would minimise it.”
Emma thought the problems were her fault. She would forgive him and try harder to please him.
Friends and family were unaware of Emma’s situation because her partner was so charming.
Living overseas was isolating and when she tried to leave, he convinced her people would think she was crazy.
“I wondered who would believe me over him. I rang Women’s Refuge but I thought what then? Where would I go and he would get custody of our child.
“Leaving him would be worse than staying with him. He would make my life hell. He had already told me he’d kill me, he’d destroy me and I’d wish I was dead.”
Emma became pregnant again because her partner said it would make things better. She became ill and her friends first noticed signs of abuse. Emma was so embarrassed she didn’t tell them the extent of the cruelty.
Emma decided to leave because her children were being affected. It took her months to arrange her return to New Zealand, and she would hide from him and try to keep the peace. He eventually followed her to Auckland and the abuse continued even though they were not living together.
Earlier this year, Emma was referred to Eastern Women’s Refuge by staff members at a children’s hospital who were treating her child for injuries allegedly inflicted by her ex-partner.
Emma questioned what Women’s Refuge could do because she had already left her partner.
“I was so involved in trying to protect my children that I couldn’t see how they could help me. I was so wrong.”
She reluctantly agreed to attend the Stepping Stones programme, convened by Christine Cowan-James, thinking there wouldn’t be anyone there like her. Emma did not believe she was suffering from domestic violence. People of different ages and lifestyles were on the course and many had experienced psychological abuse.
“I had no idea that psychological abuse was domestic violence.
“I realised everyone in the group minimised abuse. Going to the course was the best thing I did.
“Too many women think this only happens to women who are really weak but it’s not true.”
Emma describes herself as resilient but she didn’t have the tools to deal with a controlling person.
Stepping Stones taught Emma about positive behaviour and good relationships. She learnt about the court system, which she wishes she knew earlier.
She admits she made mistakes by not reporting incidents and she had poor legal advice. Women’s Refuge has good contacts to support women and their families.
“I still love men and I have some good male friendships. I didn’t want to sit around and talk about how much I hate men but Women’s Refuge likes men too – they just don’t like abuse.”
Emma is now calmer, stronger and more astute about people’s behaviour, and her children are making great progress.
