AS A child he grew up in an authoritative home with an authoritative father and went on to lead a life fuelled by anger, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb memories of his childhood.
The 40-year-old has now come forward to speak about life after family violence and how he has broken the cycle in the hope of helping others.
“I had a rough upbringing. I basically grew up being quite an angry person from an early age,” says the man, who wishes to remain anonymous.
“As an early teen, I started to suffer from depression from what had gone on in my childhood. I fell into the rough end of life. I started to use a lot of drugs and drink.”
His many years of drug abuse started when he was 15. “The drugs were a way of dealing with my childhood, they blocked it all out.”
The substance abuse escalated until the pain of his past became too much and he tried to kill himself earlier this year.
“I took about 250 pharmaceutical drugs and ended up on life support for eight or nine days. I pulled through.
“It was a big eye-opener to what had gone in my life and I realised I had to address it.
“My partner of six years had to put up with me while I was using drugs, particularly P.
“She loved me but it became too difficult for her.”
His difficulties resulted in him lashing out at her.
“My thought at the time was she was going to trash some personal belongings, so I kicked the door to the bedroom she’d locked.
“When I got in, I kicked her a couple of times. There was a lot of blood. She had a big gash across her forehead.
“I had never before touched, assaulted or acted abusively towards a woman. I freaked out and took off.”
On a domestic charge, the courts sentenced him to 100 hours of community service and probation, and he was required to attend an anger management course.
“This first programme wasn’t for me. I spoke to the management and they agreed what the group was offering wasn’t what I needed. That part of my probation was cancelled and I had to go back to court for re-sentencing.”
As his reappearance in court approached, he went on a two-week binge, taking P and sleeping in his car.
“I was in West Auckland and woke up to a ‘bang bang’ on the window.
“It was the police, and I had pipes and everything on the passenger seat. I flipped out and tried to get away but it ended in a violent arrest.”
He then faced an assortment of drugs charges, resisting arrest and more.
Going through the courts again he received 18 months’ intensive supervision and four months of community detention with a 7pm-7am curfew, which meant he had to move back in with his parents.
Since being home he has tried to reconcile the past with his father. “I’ve tried to have that conversation with him but it’s been difficult.”
From what he knows, his dad’s father was “quite heavy-handed too”.
“I have decided that I’m the one who needs to let it go.
“I’ve already dragged myself through 20 to 30 years of being angry and suffering.
“Somewhere along the line someone in the family has to stop the violent behaviour, so it doesn’t pass on to your children and their children.
“Someone has to break the cycle and allow those historical things to be gone and out of the family. I feel I have achieved that.”
Accessing services, starting with Te Rawhiti Community Mental Health Centre in Highland Park, helped him reach that milestone.
Psychiatrists there diagnosed his long-standing anger issues and depression, from which his substance abuse and dependency had developed.
Te Rawhiti directed him to Community Alcohol and Drugs Services (CADS), which helped with this drugs and drink problems.
He has now been drugs and alcohol-free for 10 months.
“I’ve had to eliminate everyone I used to socialise with. I found out who my friends were and there weren’t any really.”
CADS advised him to seek more help with anger management. He came across Man Alive and that service has had a profound effect on his life.
“I went through Man Alive’s Living without Violence programme and learnt how to walk away from negative situations. I was given tools to gauge when my anger levels were rising.”
He now recognises his deep-seated anger was the main catalyst for disharmony in his relationship.
“My partner and I did a couple’s course through Man Alive. I got some good tools and continue to use them in our relationship. We have had hard periods but the love has always been there.”
He now has an “anger scale” to read his anger levels, knowing when it hits “six or seven” it’s time to leave situations.
He has identified one of his anger triggers to be people raising their voices. “I don’t like to be belittled, or stood over, or made to feel inadequate in anyway. Now, if I feel myself getting tense or angry, I use a breathing technique [mindfulness meditation].
His message to people struggling with drugs, alcohol or violence is that there are places and people willing to help.
“If one place isn’t working for you, find another. The main thing is you have to want to do it. The courts can order you to do an anger management course but unless you want to change, nothing is going to change.”
When he was looking for help, he says there was little or no advertising of the organisations to reach out to.
But by sharing with story Times’, he hopes other people will feel confident to contact such support networks and services.
“This my opportunity to give back to the community. I want people to know there is a way through. You don’t have to face this on your own – there are people waiting to help you.
“Over the past 10 months to a year, all these people – CADS, Te Rawhiti and Man Alive – guided me to where I needed to be.”
Seeking help is key
“IF YOUR car breaks down, you see a mechanic. If you have the flu, you see a doctor. If you have an anger impulse problem, see someone who can help.”
That’s the advice of sergeant Brett Woodmass, family violence co-ordinator at Howick police, to those affected by family or domestic violence.
“The first step is to accept you have a problem,” he says. “The next step is to contact someone.”
Organisations such as Victim Support, Women’s Refuge, Te Tai Awa o te Ora Trust and Howick police can help.
Mr Woodmass says the police want better outcomes for families, whether that means removing people from their living environment, or pointing them in the right direction to get help.
“A family may want to stay together, but they lack the skills and resources around them to fix what’s wrong. By putting them in touch with services such as Victim Support or Man Alive, they can hopefully learn some tools to help change and improve the family dynamic.
“These groups aren’t there to judge or pass blame. They are there to assist you to overcome the behaviour you’ve taken into a relationship that manifests itself into abuse and violence.”
Mr Woodmass says multiple factors can be present in abusive relationships, such as mental health, alcohol, drugs and a history of family violence.
“Like this man has done, my advice is to seek help early.
“I’m grateful he has the strength and courage to come forward and tell his story.”
Mr Woodmass says family violence is centred on an imbalance of power and control, and can turn into physical, psychological and sexual abuse.
“There’s help out there if you ask for it. It’s okay to ask for help but it’s not okay to be abusive and violent.”
